Jerry: I resove to call her up a thousand times a day, and ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way. Every little thing she does is magic.
Alice: Jerry, those are song lyrics!

[Walking through a metal detector.]
Jerry: Why is this thing safe for me and not for my keys?

Jerry: A good conspiracy is unprovable. I mean, if you can prove it, it means they screwed up somewhere along the line.

Jerry: Love gives you wings. It makes you fly. I don't even call it love. I call it Geronimo. When you're in love, you'll jump right from the top of the Empire State and you won't care, screaming "Geronimo" the whole way down. I love her so bad, I just... whoa, she wrecks me. I'd die for her.

Jerry: David Berkowitz, Ted Bundy, Richard Speck...
Alice: What about them?
Jerry: Serial killers. Serial killers only have two names. You ever notice that? But lone gunmen assassins, they always have three names. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman...
Alice: John Hinckley. He shot Reagan. He only has two names.
Jerry: Yeah, but he only just shot Reagan. Reagan didn't die. If Reagan had died, I'm pretty sure we probably would all know what John Hinckley's middle name was.

[About serial killers having three names each.]
Jerry: I just thought of another one: James Earl Ray, the guy who got Luther King. Then of course, there's Sirhan Sirhan. I still haven't figured that one out. Maybe it's Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan, I don't know.

Jerry: It's on the tip of my brain.

Jerry: I'm only paranoid because they want me dead.

Jerry: I love you.
Alice: Jerry, no, no, you don't love me.
Jerry: Sure I do.
Alice: No, no.
Jerry: I don't?

Jerry: You can't hurt me any more.
Dr. Jonas: I'll be the judge of that.

Jerry Fletcher: To be normal, to drink Coca-Cola and eat Kentucky Fried Chicken is to be in a conspiracy against yourself.

Alice: This guy's a restraining order waiting to happen.

Jerry Fletcher: The Vietnam War was fought over a bet that Howard Hughes lost to Aristotle Onassis.