"I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member"

Told that a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews, Groucho replied "My son is half-Jewish; can he wade in up to his knees?"

"Once I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution ?"

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"While shooting elephants in Africa, I found the tusks very difficult to remove. But in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa..."
 

Make friends with a dog when he is a puppy and he won't bite you when he grows up. But don't try that with tiger cubs.

If you think automobiles make a lot of pollution it could be worse, we could go back to horses.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't.

It's not so bad to be out on a limb if Christ is the branch.

A person born in a Christian home isn't necessarily a Christian any more than a person born in a bakery is a bagel.

Christianity is the best Jewish enterprise.

Experience is the best teacher; but if you can accept it secondhand, the tuition is less.

From the Talmud: the righteous promise little and perform much; the wicked promise much and perform not even a
little.

If being born didn't give much satisfaction, try being born again.

People are hollow because they won't open up enough to let anything in.

Don't try to sell your soul; you'd only be disappointed in the price.

You don't have to be listed in Who's Who to know What's What.

No Man is great because of magnificent achievements, but rather because of the suffering he endures to achieve them.

The one-word tale that most dead men would tell would be "Repent".

Do you ever have the feeling the TV is watching you?

"For God so loved the world" -- anyway!

Least favorite kind of person: People who complain to God, "Why me?" Rosen's answer: It's better it should happen to your cousin Sollie?

If you call Moishe Rosen a religious fanatic, overweight, or eccentric, he'll own up to it. He'll also own up to being
forgiven, redeemed, renewed, and improving.

Things Moishe learned from his friend Zola Levitt: "You don't have to have a big memory so long as you have a small pencil."